I opened up a blank word doc a dozen times to start this post. When I finally started typing, I must have erased sentences a million times. It’s not because I don’t want to talk about my struggle with infertility, but it’s more the thought of “Is my struggle really as bad as others, is it worth sharing, and how do I share my story without being insensitive to those still walking through this heartbreaking valley?” After a lot of prayer and some advice from trusted friends, I decided to write my thoughts and struggles down. I claim to want to be open and real, and this is very much still a major part of my reality. I want to share with the hope that maybe I can give a little bit of faith and optimism to someone or to let someone struggling know that they are not alone in this. Infertility can feel so isolating and a taboo subject. I would like to make sure women know that they are not alone.
For those that don’t know, I have PCOS [Polycystic ovarian syndrome]. Long story short, I do not ovulate. We had a plan; a timeline of when we thought it was “time” for us to have kids. The Lord had a slightly different timeline. After about a year of us trying, we decided to talk to a doctor. After trying medicine from my OB that wasn’t working, we decided that it was time to see an Infertility Specialist. We went through the consults, the tests and the prep work for rounds of medication, and then the hard part started: what seemed like endless rounds of blood tests and ultrasounds, medications that weren’t working and having to try new ones, to the crazy hormones and emotions that come along with the infertility medications. To not bore you with all the in-between details, on our last round of medication [that almost failed] we were shocked to see those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test.
As I’m sure you’ve seen, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Ainsley, in June of 2016. It has been the greatest joy in our lives thus far, to watch her grow and thrive, and we feel utterly blessed to be entrusted as her parents on this earth.
If we fast forward to the beginning of 2017, we decided to begin the process for baby number 2. Matt and I had said we wanted a few children, and with the knowledge that we most likely will need medical intervention, we decided we’d rather start right away in case it takes many years again. We tried without medications for some time, and then, slightly discouraged, made those appointments at our infertility doctor. This time, the Lord was very gracious and we only needed one round of medication to have our second extraordinary baby girl. She is due is just a few short weeks.
I am going to pause here and say that I am well aware that this is not everyone’s outcome-I personally have not experienced loss. I am a high-risk patient, and have an extremely high risk for miscarrying, but thus far, I have not had to walk that particular path of infertility.
Now, being a high risk patient, and trying to get pregnant for two years, and again for 8 months, you may think that I would be a nervous wreck the during pregnancy for fear of miscarrying. While I had my days that were crippled with fear, they were few and far between. I can honestly say it was because of the peace I have in the Lord. I don’t mean that I thought, “Oh, I love the Lord therefore He won’t take this baby away”—it was just that I knew no matter the outcome, I was going to be okay, and the Lord has my best interest in mind.
My apologies for the long post, and if you’ve gotten this far, koodos! I realized I hadn’t shared this part of my life in such an open manner, and have felt a pull to write it down. With social media these days, people’s lives can be curated to look perfect and easy breezy. While I realize that I have loads to be thankful for in my life, it hasn’t all been a simple journey. My hope is that if you read this, and have felt lonely in your infertility, please know that you are not alone! I believe we need to be more open on this topic. Please know that I am praying for you, weeping with you, hugging you from afar, and praising the Lord with you when there are victories. If you wanted to reach out, feel free to send me a message. I would love to simply listen to your story and pray for you!
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.